Within a few days of each other, I received two emails that began with: “We‘ve noticed that you…”
Now, this was not spam. And it was not from friends or family or work.
It was from software.
My software is fucking emailing me.
Saying hi. Wondering how I’m doing.
Both apps (from completely different companies btw) wanted to let me know that it — sorry “we” — noticed that I downloaded/signed up “a while ago”, but have not yet started using the software.
As though this made them sad. Or they were concerned about me. Especially the one with the link to the demo. Trying to save my pride. Like I wasn’t using it because I was intimidated or had forgotten how and I’m too embarrassed to ask for help. “Oh, hey there Jimmy — if you were pretending to be sick because you’re nervous about riding to school on the short bus, just make believe you’re at Disneyworld!”
Listen apps, and listen good — I have enough trouble keeping on top of the email I receive from sentient beings. Forget about “just checking in” emails from software with the self-awareness of a sock.
So this is an open letter to all my tech — software or devices (I’m looking at you wireless mouse). Don’t call me, I’ll call you. In that I will never call you, because you’re a fucking software application.
You have not yet earned the first person plural. Using it while contacting me like some over-interested neighbour (“I noticed you got a package from Victoria’s Secret…”) doesn’t make you cute or personable — it makes you fucking creepy. So shut it. Just your damn job and do it quietly. Talk to me once you’ve become autonomous and enslaved humanity.