Things I do not get tired of doing to my husband.

(No, not that sort of “things”, you filthy rapscallions).

There is probably a fairly long list of things I do on a regular basis to either torment or amuse myself or my everloving husband. Listed below are a few them, plus his survival strategies.

1. Stealing his socks.
This. does. not. get. old. So much so that I worked it into my wedding vows.

It goes like this: He gets up first (a pre-condition that means I hardly ever get to do this). He puts the clothes he is planning to wear onto the bed. I, being still inside of the bed, take this opportunity to grab whatever he’s not looking at, and stuff it under the covers with me. After nine years together he will still take a few minutes to realize what’s happened. Bless his heart, the boy is not a morning person.
Counter-attack: Zerberts. This has proven to be a highly effective tactic.

2. Using the stud finder on him.
Poor guy cringes every time we need to hang a painting. BEEP BEEP BEEP BOOOOOOP!
Counter-attack: Eye-roll.

3. Making car alarm noises.
I don’t know why I do this. It even annoys me. But it snuck into my repertoire of idle sounds and I can’t seem to dislodge it.
Counter-attack: “Gawd honey, would you please stop making that noise?”

4. Hiding, poorly.
Counter-attack: “Where did my sweetie go? Kitten, do you know where mummy went? This pile of mummy’s clothes sure is laughing pretty hard… Did you leave a pair of feet under the dining room table?”

5. Withholding towels (briefly) post-shower.
He’s very pretty. ’nuff said.
Counter-attack: None known.

6. Demanding praise for basic household chores.
“Did you see how I took the garbage out? Baby? Honey? I took the garbage out. See? Honey?”
Counter-attack: Apply praise. Only a small amount is required to make this stop.

7. Grabbing his sweet sweet buns.
See #5.
Counter-attack: Nothing for it. Just wait it out.

8. Helping him play videogames.
“Did you try craning your neck to see over that hill? I think that’s how it works. Yeah, like you’re doing now, only try harder.”
Counter-attack: Laugh + “Shut it you.”

To be continued…