Ladies and gentlemen, my pipes.

(Like, the ABS kind, not the locomoting kind.)

You know when you’re living in downtown Toronto, and you hear a couple walk past a new condo tower, and they’re sipping their peppermint Starbucks lattes and they’re like “that went up so fast! It’s probably held together with gum and toothpicks!” and they laugh and stroll off down the street. And you watch them go, pressed up against the glass window of your condo, where you are busy disentangling the grocery store shopping bag that the builders used to shore up your drain pipe?

Yeah.

Exhibit A:

(Note: That shit on the floor? Yeah, that was just already there. That’s not from us or anything. Without exception, every nook of our place that was hidden by a surface or bit of drywall has been harbouring random construction shit like this. Thanks Urbancorp!)

Why a grocery store bag? Weeelllll the lazy fucktards who built our place, using only glue and their (sparse) wits, apparently couldn’t be assed to find a hole saw, so they just bashed out an opening roughly the size of the pipes plus a bit… declared that It Was Good, then shimmed the bejebeers out of it with bits of particleboard and leftover plastic bits.

Re-enactment:

Fucktard #1: “Hey, Fucktard #2, are you almost done with your lunch? I need a manky plastic bag to finish up this plumbing work?”

Fucktard #2: “Sure thing boss! Do you want some of these french fries for insulation?*”

*The fry thing is probably not true. Probably.

Exhibit B:

See that little shiny thing poking out from the bottom of the detritus? That, folks, is a junction box. Within (and by “within” I mean exposed) are some spliced wires. Where does this sit? Oh, y’know. On the floor. Under the drain pipe and water lines.

This is why whenever I go to do something simple like, I don’t know, hang a picture, I end up having to do light drywall and plumbing work as prep. On the plus side, my tool collection is getting impressive.

I even have a hole saw.

Move in ready! Just steps from Starbucks, trendy neighbourhoods and electrocution!*

*Disclaimer: “Trendy neighbourhoods” include but are not limited to barf-covered sidewalks on Sunday mornings.

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