No fruit for you!

That’s it. I’m planting seeds.

Because I’m this close to giving up on organic fruit and veg delivery in Toronto. In the summer months, we’re well-positioned between a couple of farmer’s markets. But in the winter months, we’re close only to a very low quality/high price organics store, and a “whassaorganic?” Metro.

So I have, over the years, tried a couple of fruit and veg “box” services.

Man. Alive.

They have produce. I have (sometimes) seen it. So why, why don’t they want me to have it?

I want to love the hippies. I do. Beneath this crusty exterior, I am one of them. But not when it comes to organizing a business. Because in that respect, holy. hell.

In our old apartment, and for years, we battled it out with Green Earth Organics. Who got something wrong pretty much every order. We’d regularly be charged for items which weren’t delivered. Or the fruit and veg in the bin arrived so wet they’d either be spoilt when we got them, or they’d spoil within the day. Additional items would not arrive more often than they did – and with no explanation. The empty bins were not picked up, and the deposits on the glass jars we’d send back weren’t credited to our account. Every week was an exercise in finding out what we’d been charged for that hadn’t arrived, and what had arrived that we’d substituted out.

Finally, I gave up and canceled our service.

This year, tired of fighting scurvy with frozen peas, I decided to try again. So we placed a couple of orders with Wanigan. Since they let you place one-off orders, I thought I’d go with a few trial runs before we signed on for regular delivery.

Good. Call.

The first few orders went off beautifully. Fresh, as-ordered produce magically arrived at our door. Everything we asked for came, and everything we were charged for was there.

And then.

I came home from work on a Wanigan day, saw the small bag of produce left on the counter, and thanked the Mister for getting started putting it away. He didn’t know what I was talking about. “Well, I put the eggs away, but what’s on the counter is all that came.”

Where “all that came” were the additional items: cashews, eggs, 2 baby bok choy, some snow peas and a yellow pepper.

Exactly whose brain is not switched on here?

I can understand overlooking an item or two. But there are so many different points in the chain where it should be bleeding obvious to the people involved that this order was incomplete. Right down to whoever it was who left this teeny bag of teaser produce on my porch.

Still, putting them head and shoulders above GEO, when I contacted Wanigan about the mistake, they were quick both to reply and credit my account for the missing main “box”.

Whew.

Feeling gunshy, I tried again this week.

And this week’s delivery just arrived. Additional items? Check. (That additional items guy is so on the ball). Vegetables? Check. Fruit?

Fruit?

Nuh-ope.

My “Fruit and Vegetable” box is all vegetable, no fruit. And yes, for those of you playing along at home, I was charged for the full box.

Which, of course, triggers a crazy pills moment. I find myself shaking out the kale to see if it’s hiding oranges. If the avocado is simply squirreled away beneath the romaine. Going back to the patio two and three times to see if the pears and apples made a roll for it.

But the patio is pear-free, and I resign myself to an “about that fruit I ordered…” email.

Again.

Sno000oow Cake 2009

Alright people. Snow cake is a go. I repeat, Snow Cake is a Go.

It’s cooling as I type, to be covered with obscene amounts of sugar icing shortly.

If your name is on this list, you have made your feelings vis-a-vis snow cake clear (in person, via text message, phone calls, emails… good lord people) and I am putting some aside for you (don’t worry, it freezes beautifully).

If your name isn’t, speak up quick cuz the cake’s not that big, and the husband will consider anything that’s left “fair game”.

* Jerry

* Patrick

* Sevaan

* Bryan

* Amy

* Matt & Matt (?)

Calvin & Hobbes Snowman

Bad Brunch

To understand how disappointing it is for me to have a bad brunch, you might need to understand just how much I love brunch.

I. love. brunch.

It is a fantastic concept — socially sanctioned smooshing of sweet and savory, stimulants (coffee), and sedatives (cocktails).

Going out for a great brunch means you can roll out of bed late, and still feel like you’re getting a good start on your day.

Today was not one of those days.

One of our neighbourhood spots heavily advertised (direct email, twitter, walk-by signs) that they’d be open for brunch all three days of this long weekend. Specially themed around wild blueberries.

Starting emotion: Yay!

We were actually there for brunch twice this weekend — once with friends on Saturday, when the experience was spot on. And once today, when the experience was so poor that it was all kinds of … spot off.

We arrived this morning, and found that their marketing push was successful — if it was moderately busy on Saturday, it was slammed with people on Monday. Or was it?

I suggested we sit inside, thinking the congestion in the lounge was probably from people waiting to sit outside. We were told it would be a couple of minutes wait as some tables turned over. So we joined the pile-up in the waiting area.

What made this strange, was that even our obstructed view of the inside revealed not one, but a number of empty (and set) tables.

Which continued to sit empty for the 15 minutes+ we waited for one.

Midpoint emotion: Displeased.

It’s reasonable to expect there’s more going on in a restaurant than a visitor can see. But it is uncool to see an empty table when you sit down, and then watch additional table after table (after table) clear out, while you continue to wait without update.

Once seated, we were put at the middle table in a row of three empty 2-tops, one of which remained empty throughout our meal (despite a full lounge the whole time). The majority of the four tops around us were also left unseated.

Then our meal began — with a hard sell on orange juice. This, to me, is about as classy as a sneaky upsell on bottled water. The carafe of OJ was brought to our table, and was halfway to our glasses “some fresh orange juice?”, before we stopped it by requesting coffee instead. This strategy did not butter my biscuit.

But the meal began to look up once we go to the actual food part — which was, as usual, delicious and prompt.

Mid-meal emotion: Looking up.

But thus endeth the good.

After dropping off our plates, our server never returned. Not to refill our water, our coffee, ask if we’d like anything else or offer to get the bill.

We next saw him when he decided our meal was over – which was strange, given that I was still chewing – and he came to clear away our plates. Our plates being my husband’s only-just empty dish, and my plate which still had a quarter of my biscuit on it, and my knife and fork firmly in the “dude, I’m still eating” position. See also: mouth full of food.

This might have been forgivable if they were feeling pushed to get us moving and seat some of the people waiting. But surrounded by empty tables, that didn’t seem very likely. Even less likely when followed by a disappearing act, instead of an equally speedy offer to bring the bill.

After removing our plates (mid-chew), he vanished. And we waited. And waited. And waited. Until an angel with a couple of carafes came by to refill our coffee and water. Which tided us over until we could flag him down and request the bill.

Total time: 2 hours

I love a leisurely brunch. But there is a very specific feeling I get when I’m in a restaurant that is doing a double-combo of ignoring our table, while not letting us go. It’s a sort of dining claustrophobia, and it can sour even otherwise positive experiences.

In this case, the restaurant had the opportunity to recover from a rocky start. Making hungry people wait while there’s a glut of empty tables is poor form, but you can basically fix it all with a bit of good service. I don’t know if it’s universal, but I want to be happy at brunch. I want it to go well. I want to give the restaurant the benefit of the doubt. So if you’re trying to turn it around, I am right there with you.

But to end the meal unable to leave just throws it all back to a black mark — because now my meal’s been bookended by negative feelings. If you don’t need the table, drop off the cheque with a “no rush” and an offer to refill the coffee. But don’t abandon the table and make us hunt you down so we can get on with our day.

That way lies unhappy customers — and a long time before a return visit.

Trendy

While sipping a fair-trade americano and scarfing a yummo fresh muffin, I decided to hijack the free wifi for a quick video chat with my buddy Catspaw.

That’s the awesomeness of living here und now.

By sheer chance, the logo of the place I’m sitting was perfectly lined up behind my head.  Perfectly on par with how perfectly a flag is positioned behind a politician making a national address.

Not by chance, but due to “sleepy husband syndrome”, Cats, EH and I were also eating breakfast at the same time.  Even though she’s on the west coast, and we on the east.

After our quick hello and goodbye, Cats sent me a link of what our brief exchange (and my making note of the not one, but two other MacBook users sitting nearby) reminded her of.

That is, Cats & I, about 3 years previously.  Makin’ fun of ourselves.

And then she sent me the amended “more accurate” image I sent her after I read her post.

My comment then:  “What? That’s my ‘around town’ outfit. Don’t judge me. ”

Funnily enough, that is /exactly/ what I’m wearing right now.  True story.

Update:  What’s more nerdy than blogging about videochatting?  Unwittingly tandem blogging about videochatting.

Midnight Whoppers

What happens when you eat a whopper at midnight?

Okay, well, not a whopper — a double whopper.

Plus one more patty.

…making it a triple whopper.

Post-Christmas party, the husband and I thought they sounded like a great idea.

And they were.  But do you know what happens when you eat a triple-whopper at midnight?  You dream about doorbells.

Not once, but twice, I almost got out of bed to check the door.

Okay, well, maybe once I actually did get out of bed to check the door.  Which was funny because husband had also gotten out of bed.  Though he was going to get water, while I thought I was following him to the door.  He was a bit confused about what I was doing.  I’m a bit of a bleary-eyed sheep at 5 in the morning.

Apparently, I been thinking bout my doorbell (<-White Stripes moment).

Slept like a log though otherwise, and now I’m saving money on breakfast (because more food == ew).  Yep, triple whoppers @ midnight is a solid, solid plan.  I’m sure this will in no way shape or form come back to bite me in the ass.

What cake? SNOW CAKE!

I have created monsters.

In recent years I’ve let a few people know about my family’s Snow Cake tradition.  What’s a Snow Cake?

A snow cake is a confection that is made when the following conditions are met:

1)  It has snowed for the first time in your neighbourhood (snowing in North Bay for instance, unless you live in North Bay, doesn’t count.  Snowing in Mississauga, Richmond Hill, north of Steeles?  If you don’t live there, no snow cake yet).

2) There is enough snow that it stays on the ground.  The ground receives a complete coating of snow, and it is there for a noticeable length of time.  I can’t stress enough how important this rule is.

There is no condition on having the ingredients in the house.  That is the importance of snow cake.  If you don’t have milk, you go get milk.  You don’t have eggs, you go squeeze a chicken.  The snow cake must be made.  There is a liiiiittle bit of leeway, but it’s really a “first opportunity to go get milk, you take it” situation.

And about the monsters:

I let a few people (*cough*boys) know about snow cake, and now what happens?  I get /bulletins/ about when /they think/ the snow cake should be made.  Emails showing weather forecasts, text messages that are just “SNOW CAKE!”, IMs asking for clarifications on the rules.

So, little snow cake monsters, the answer is ‘yes’.  Yes, it is snow cake time.  Yes, I am currently out of milk, but I will get some more shortly.  Yes, the next time you see me, I will probably have snow cake for you.

Which I recommend you eat while listening to this.

Water doesn’t need an adjective to be a beverage.

As Kate @ AH described it  “It’s Water!  Now with HFCS!”.

What is it?  Well read Wegman’s product description to find out:

“Sensible Solution: Low calorie; Helps hydrate kids. Finally, a great tasting water beverage kids will love to drink! Tip: Consuming 5-8 servings (8 fl oz each) of fluids per day is recommended by health professionals.”

What is it?  Why it’s Capri Sun Roarin’ Waters Fruit Flavored Water Beverage.

Helps hydrates kids?  Water beverage?  Fuck.  If you have fatass bastard kids who won’t drink water, then beat them, don’t add sugar.  And how fucking irresponsible to put a “tip” trying to associate this goodfornothing product with health professionals.

Okay fine, don’t beat your kids.  But don’t “hydrate” them with sugar water.  They really really really won’t drink water?  Well then how about watered down fruit juice.  Anyone?  Anyone?

“Adding sugar, it’s working well for us so far America.” (slash Canada)

Worst of all this is not an isolated product, but part of an emerging (and fucking disturbing) new trend to add the worst kinds of sugar (crystalline fructose, aka the bad HFCS, plus HFCS regular) to water and then try to pass it off as a health drink.  Fucking.  Disturbing.  and. Fucking.  Shameful.

See also:

* Glacéau (read: Coke)’s bullshit VitaminWater, plus vitaminenergy and fruitwater

“The success of the Glacéau brand launched a new marketing category in the beverage industry: enhanced water. Glacéau’s slogan is ‘hydrate responsibly’. ”

Thanks Glacéau, for coming up with a slogan that advocates against your own product.  Numbnuts.

(Lots of swearing in this post?  Only just enough I think.)

Really putting the “stainless” claim to the test.

My mum’s been doing a sort’n’purge of her basement the last couple of weeks.  So we’ve been getting questions about what we’d like to adopt, and what we are happy to see go.

I say no to just about everything, but it has me thinking about the artefacts of my childhood.  Objects that I remember, either for no particular reason, or for very specific ones.

Like, for instance, my parents’ large stainless steel mixing bowl.  Not unlike the one pictured below.

Stainless steel bowl

Now, there’s nothing remarkable about a large stainless steel mixing bowl.  They’re handy.  Good all-purpose objects.

However.  And this is a note sent back in time to my parents.  Are you ready past-parents?  Are you ready for this pile of wisdom I am about to bestow on you? Okay, here it comes:

ALL-PURPOSE IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY.

Y’see, in our house, this large stainless steel mixing bowl had exactly two functions.  Two radically different functions which should, by all rights, have been mutually exclusive.  Those two functions are as follows:

1)  As a serving bowl for Cesar salad.

2)  As a bedside back-up vomit bowl for sick children.

The truth is out.

Oh, that’s right, friends, family, and friends & family who might have come to a dinner-party at my childhood home.  That bowl that you served yourself that delicious Cesar salad out of?  Oh yeah. That was also the puke bowl.  Before and after you were over.

That feeling running down your spine?  That cold chill?  I’ve had that feeling every time I’ve so much as looked at Cesar salad, my whole life.

Needless to say, if that bowl ever comes up for grabs, I’ll probably give it a pass.  There isn’t enough Palmolive in the world.