I know better than this.
I know better than to accept the freebie.
Because, as I’m always saying (nay, preaching) nothing is free. Nothing is cheap. It’s all coming out somewhere on the line.
When we see an “unbelievable” price on something at Walmart or H&M or whathaveyou, we should just go ahead and remove the quotation marks. Since yes, it is actually unbelievable. In that it is not believable that you can produce a tshirt/stove/couch for that price.
Right, so Audible.
I listen to NPR, and NPR airs This American Life, and not so long ago, This American Life’s teaser included a promotion for Audible (one of their sponsors). “Special” for TAL listeners, you could get a free audiobook from Audible.
Again, I circle back to “I should have known better”.
But the teaser (I believe) mentioned such books as David Sedaris reading his “When You Are Engulfed In Flames”.
And lo, I became a sucker.
Clue #1 was when they required a credit card to set up your account. This is always a show-stopper for me. If it’s a trial membership, or a free account, there is absofuckinglutely no reason for them to have my credit card.
But my eyes (and y’know, brain), they were blinded by the quest for a too-good-to-be true free bit ‘o’ Sedaris.
So I (just this once) signed up, and gave them my credit card info.
Now, the smart thing to do, and what I had planned on doing, was download the free sample audiobook, and then immediately cancel my account. Just to be safe.
But obviously something shiny must have been nearby, because I didn’t.
Weeks go by, and I get a whole lotta email spam from Audible (duh). I unsubscribe. (Though none of these emails make me bother to go and cancel my account as I am The Dumb).
Then I get my Visa bill.
$17.07 (foreign currency – USD $14.95). Courtesy: Audible.
W. T. F.
Now, I assume that legally, for them to charge my card, there must have been some terms stated somewhere associated with the freebie. Possibly a mention of “if you don’t cancel w/in 30 days, you agree to membership”. I’m not so fastidious in my Terms of Agreement clicking that I would know for sure. I will admit that.
But I do know for sure that this deal with the devil was willfully obscured. That it was not clearly stated that accepting this free sample meant I was signing up for an AudibleListener Gold membership of $14.95/month. That, I am sure about.
At best, this little detail was thoroughly obfuscated behind the “totally” free sample. Because however quickly you’re scanning terms, little details like “$14.95/month” tend to jump out at you.
Again, I acknowledge that to fall for this makes me a sucker. I know how these things work. But maybe that’s why I feel extra put-out. Because I /know/ that’s how these things work, and I still fell for it. I picture a less online-shopping savvy demographic from the TAL listenership, and then I picture their Visa bills the month after they download their one free audiobook.
But now we come to the icing on my cake of indignation. The part where I close my account.
I go to my account details to find out just what it is I’m signed up for. Then I find a little link at the bottom that goes to “cancel account”. Which takes me to a page with a drop-down list of reasons why I’m quitting.
I was pleased to find one which summed up my motivations rather nicely. I believe it was along the lines of “I am upset with Audible”. Huh. Dear business — if that makes the list of frequently stated reasons for leaving…
Next page. “We’re sorry you’re upset with Audible…”. But has my account closed? NO. After the heartfelt regret that I’m unhappy is a statement saying that to continue cancellation, I need to contact Customer Service. And here are their 1-800 numbers.
Fuck. that. noise.
Having done a little page logic-ing in my day, I decide that perhaps if I go back and choose a different answer, I will be able to cancel online. So I go back, and choose the next closest response “I would prefer not to share my reasons”. Suspecting that if I choose any of the reasons about compatibility or download troubles that I will just end up on a tech support page.
And a-ha! The “not sharing my reasons” takes me to a page which says that they’re closing my account and are sorry I’m deciding to go.
But is my account closed? NO.
There is a button to “continue cancellation”. Click. Which takes me to a page which asks if it’s just a question of the money? Would I perhaps like to just put my account on hold? Again, I click “continue cancellation”.
But is my account closed? NO.
The next page is something along the lines of how I can come back any time, or something about getting a deal when I come back or… whatever. Am I out yet? Is my account closed?
Prize to the lovely lady in the front row who guessed… NO. (Prize == free audiobook at Audible.com!)
Finally, finally, I arrive on a page which says that I am out. My account is canceled.
Sick of this, and very annoyed, I head out for brunch.
When I return, the tab is still open, and I notice that my “continue cancellation” button had been replaced by a “customer feedback” button.
:rubs hands in glee.
What does the customer feedback form say? Oh wait, it’s still open (find out why), let me just pop over and check for you.
::Girl from Ipanema::
Okay. Customer Feedback page says:
As we process your cancellation, we would like to get your thoughts on the Audible service.
How likely are you on a scale of 1 through 10 to recommend Audible to your friends and family, with 10 being the most likely?
Y’wanna know why it’s still open? Because every time I try to select “1”, and hit submit, I get bounced back to the question page again.
As we process your cancellation, we would like to get your thoughts on the Audible service.
How likely are you on a scale of 1 through 10 to recommend Audible to your friends and family, with 10 being the most likely?
Perhaps this is a by-product of the session going too long. Or perhaps it’s a browser thing.
Or perhaps, like the “I am upset with Audible”, it only goes through if you select “10”.
