I like smoking

It’s true. I like smoking. I can see why people do it. Why you spend money on it; why you keep doing it when everyone wants you to quit; why you jump through the hoops, stand in the cold, ignore the ads from your local and caring Ministry of Health.

All of my grandparents smoked. And none of them lived to 70. And that’s not a coincidence. They got horrible cancers and died badly. The consequences of smoking are thick in the missing branches of my family tree.

And still.

That’s not how to talk about smoking to get people to quit. Because smoking is not about the dead babies on the package or the poignant appeals that people love you and want you to take care of yourself and live a long and healthy life.

It is not part of the rhetoric of stop smoking campaigns that it feels good. That smoking is a pleasurable activity. That warm feeling after a glass of wine? The happy sensation of the first bite of a decadent dessert? You’re getting warmer. The first few drags off a cigarette feel lovely. Calm and happy and tasty and clear.

We talk about how people get addicted and how that’s bad for you. But we don’t talk about how you’re addicted, but you also like it.

If we want people to quit, don’t take that away or try and make it not true. People smoke because they are addicted to nicotine, surely. But people also smoke because they enjoy it. You can break it down into the science of why you (only) think it feels good. What chemical reactions are going on. What receptors in your brain are being doped. But when you’re in the middle of doping, that’s not how it’s going to feel to you. The same way as when you’re enjoying chocolate, you’re not too concerned that it’s because of endorphins being released in your brain. All you’re thinking is that it’s yummy and you want another bite.

So talk about how smoking makes you /stink/. Most people don’t want to stink. How it makes your fingernails gross. How it stains your teeth and gets into your nice clothes. Appeal to vanity. Smoking makes you appear and smell disgusting. Even smokers don’t like how smokers smell. No matter how glamed up the act of smoking is, a smoker knows the hangover-like consequences that follow after. You don’t feel fresh after a cigarette. You feel nicotine-y. You don’t really want to pick up babies, or cuddle pets. You want a piece of gum and a de-stinking spray. Talk about the art of the long view. Would you rather get a fleeting hit of self-destructive pleasure, or be able to run for the last movie ticket/hug your children/wake up in the morning without having to start your day dealing with a gross ball of phlegm?

And know that some days, it’ll be a toss-up. We don’t like to think or speak about our darker side. How some days, even factoring in the gross and the insensitive and the babies, it’ll feel worth it. How you’re not especially interested in the long view because dammit you’re a grown-up and this is what you want /right now/. But sometimes all it takes is to be able to acknowledge your darker, less reasonable inclinations. Because we’ve all got that dark side, the bit that doesn’t give a toss about other people or even ourselves. But most of us, most of the time, once we admit that it is there, will choose to try and be better than it.

Little grey cells.

I read Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Orient Express today.

Which made me think about was how implausibility is a shifting concept. If you’re being flippant, it’s pretty easy to read an Agatha Christie mystery today and wonder how these could be renowned as great mystery stories. With ridiculous sounding clues and bizarre assumptions. But we are often reminded by still-rapt critics that we need to remember classic works as “in their time”, when we later look down on fundamental authors/artists/directors in a genre as making content that is pat or boring and predictable. Because it is so easy to forget that much of what was once extraordinary becomes ordinary eventually.

The clues in an Agatha Christie novel aren’t necessarily ridiculous or obvious or implausible, they’re just out of step with where we are now. If you live in a world of affordable international flights and global pop culture and fashion, it might, for instance, seem bizarre to suggest that you wouldn’t recognize someone you hadn’t seen in only a couple of years. But in a time of voyages by sea, a stricter divide between American and European fashions, and more pronounced differences between castes and cultures, it’s much easier to imagine that a person you had known as a girl who since grown into a cultured lady while abroad, might be unrecognizable. Or that using the phrase “long distance phone call” would be unusual. Or that you could derive clues based on the particular duties and stations of servants and aides and governesses.

In the case of Murder on the Orient Express, there are a few plot points which are timelessly implausible, but I think they are also part of their time, just in a different way — in that the genre itself is embedded in when it was written, and the genre was escapist. Not the reality tv stories the modern world expects (where we want every detail to be plausibly “that could happen here” chilling), but slightly fantastical. With the world Poirot inhabits being a recognizable but just a bit more elegant and over-the-top version of our own. Princesses and Counts and embroidered kimonos and a Belgian inspector with a waxed moustache.

In a different direction — I’ve heard people complain about how old-fashioned mystery novels don’t sufficiently allow for audience participation. How Sherlock Holmes stories have an end of book reveal that you as the reader could not possibly have figured out. And now I know that is true of Agatha Christie as well. There were clues which, even if you were intimately familiar with the time and place, you either weren’t told about, or not told enough about. The particular location of a smudge or a thing-out-of-place, the direction someone was walking or the colour of their hair, the shape of their pipe.

This sort of thing used to drive me nuts. I like to solve puzzles, and I felt shortchanged when a book would be solving a puzzle using clues that were kept hidden from me. Like doing a crossword with someone who fails to mention a word in the clue is capitalized, or that there is an abbreviation in brackets after it.

“The body–the cage–is everything of the most respectable–but through the bars, the wild animal looks out.”

But not anymore. Apparently, I’m over it.

Because reading a mystery book, this kind at least, is to me not about solving it. Solving it first, or even catching the subtle but critical clue. That’s a little like solving a math problem over someone’s shoulder. It’s all big talk from the cheap seats. But it is a different part of your brain that can follow-along than can do. If the worker of the equation were to suddenly walk away and ask you to continue solving it, you may suddenly find yourself at a loss. You might be able to pick it up and keep going, but you might also be surprised to find that you had actually been working it out a little bit behind the person holding the pen. Like singing along to a song, thinking you know the lyrics, when it cuts out and you realize abruptly that you don’t.  Likewise with a mystery novel. It might all seem perfectly obvious when you read along as the inspector begins to draw the pieces together. But put the book down and try to work out the exact solution by sorting through the clues you’ve been given, and that’s something entirely different.

I know I’m good with puzzles, and deductive and inductive reasoning. I also know that there are many many people much better at it than I am. And I enjoy watching them work. I don’t particularly want to assist. I enjoy watching Poirot sort through the problem. Like watching any expert work. Watching as his assistants make the assertions and take the steps and ask the questions that I would want to make, ask and take. And then watching him slow us all down and point out all the assumptions that we haven’t even noticed we’re making. It’s relaxing. Someone working through a problem with absolute, unwavering methodicalness. The elegance of the approach, not subject to the skips and jumps that a more biased mind inflicts on the problem. It’s beautiful.

Not to mention that parts of the book are written so beautifully. In what I had patronizingly thought of as pulpy fiction (if classic pulpy fiction), I kept finding description and dialogue that I found so enjoyable that I was grabbing lindor wrappers and bits of envelopes to mark pages. And while the historical parallels with the Lindbergh kidnapping, and a couple of very poorly chosen YouTube clips of the films, have coloured my enjoyment of Murder as pure fiction, I still give it two-thumbs up as an under-a-blanket-cup-of-tea way to pass an in-between holiday day.

Tout de même. I can hardly believe it. It is not dans son caractére, and when you have said that, you have said everything.”

Private: Cradlerobber

My brother-in-law-to-be just asked for the exact length of time I have been with the EF (everybody waits till the last minute to do speeches…). And the answer is: 7 years, 10 months.

And how old was I when we met?

19.

In a day and a bit, I’m marrying the guy I started dating at 19*.

What do I, live in the deep south? 😉

*Technically. We flirted for about a month before going out — I was 19 on our first date, 20 on our second.

Who even knew that /was/ a kind of day?

As the wedding grows closer I am experiencing a heightened awareness of the incredible frequency with which I bang into things. Because I put two and two together and realized that, as I am not wearing a Victorian ensemble (sorry all), some of my bare skin will be visible on the big day (*gasp*).

No, not the good bits. But the bits that I am most prone to scarring/ bruising/ discolouring/ swelling. Shoulders, hands, forearms, elbows. Everything I regularly scrape, thump, bang, tear. And that’s just doing laundry.

I’m not overly fussed about it, but I would really like it if I don’t have a huge shiner going on the actual day: nothing, for instance, that might be accurately described as a “welt”.

But I’m not off to a great start. Today alone? I whacked my forearm on a doorframe, banged my elbow (hard) into a handle, stubbed my toe, and clonked my shin against the counter. And, while non-marring, but a fantastic indication of my lack of body awareness? The pièce de résistance? The part I may regret sharing?

… wait for it …

… I got my hair stuck on flypaper.

Oh. yeah. 🙂

From “How I Write: The Secret Lives of Authors”

“It’s often said that the greatest thing about being a writer is that one is able to work anywhere. Why not do a book in Italy? Why not write a chapter in Marrakech? Yes this invitation to vagabondage skates over a critical dark feature of writing: the fear that one will never be able to write again, that one won’t be able to re-create the ingredients that inspire writing in just any old hotel room, that one is not wholly in command of what one is doing and hence needs to root oneself to whatever spot was conducive to a previously successful effort.

Ultimately, my dependence on my desk can be traced back to a troubling feature of my psychology: to the wilful, erratic nature of my creative self. This timid creature is absurdly easily disturbed, by a draught, a noise (any kind of clicking or low-level hissing sound), or even the wrong quality of light. There are always any number of excuses that arise for why it would be a better idea to sleep than to write. In this fragile state, I depend on my surroundings to assist the nobler sides of myself in their battle with their profane counterparts. ”

~ Alain de Botton

Dryer sheets for your hair.

I use silly specialty hippie shampoo and conditioner.  Mostly because if I think about the chemical rug-cleaner stew mass-market shampoos are made of, it makes my skin crawl.

Anywho, at the same time as I use Burt’s Bees Grapefruit and Good Feelings shampoo (or whatever it is), I also like to bleach and/or dye a streak into my hair on occasion (sustainability is all about the small concessions to imperfection).  And when you bleach your hair, you get that little tube of “so-you’ve-just-killed-your-hair’s-will-to-live-so-keep-it-from-falling-out-in-despair-by-using-this-thick-goop” conditioner in the box.  Which, being me, I can’t bring myself to just throw out.  So I use it.

Now, my hair is usually pretty soft.  Which is probably a good thing, but basically translated into a childhood of inconsistently wavy and unruly locks (think Hermione before the Ball).  It’s fine but thick, and it’s only in my late teens that I learned how to make peace with it.  But when you use natural shampoos and conditioners, they basically just clean your hair.  Straight-up with no fluourish (maybe a nice smell and no residual grease if you’re lucky).  But these conditioners are /insane/.  My hair feels like silk.

Though I find that instead of that being something I crave or find delightful, it’s just something that freaks me out.  It’s like… you know how dryer sheets make your clothes all soft and fluffy?  Only they don’t /really/, because what they /really/ do is leave a layer of (carcinogenic) chemicals on your clothes and that is what you think feels so soft and nice?  (Oh, and when you sweat, you can transfer the chemicals onto your skin, ew.)

That’s what it feels like with my hair.  It’s like I’ve taken each strand and shelaced it.  Un-natural.

And briefly back to the dryer sheets for a closing thought (mah Whole Foods chicken is burning, no time to segue)– the EPA’s list of petrochemicals dryer sheets contain includes such goodies as chloroform.  Seriously, W.T.F.  We are so going to hell in a nicely scented fluffy towel lined toxic handcart.

And then sometimes…

I was pretty put off of cabs after a run of unpleasant experiences. (Cabs are a good thing to be ‘off’ of it turns out, as it helps with being thrifty — “Just 8 miles? Nah, I’ll walk.”) But today I was ti-red and was carrying both my bass and a whack of heavy groceries. The heck with it I thought, I’m getting a cab.

Carrying a bass leads to a lot of interesting conversations. Which is both good and bad. Because if you’re feeling antisocial (ah, as I do, much of the time), you’re not too keen to be carrying around a honking big conversation starter. But on the plus side, the conversations it starts tend to be uplifting ones. People who are inspired to take up an instrument [cuz I’m doing it, and I’m ever so old 😉 ], people who fondly remember playing, people who just went to a great show… etc.

But today, in the cab, I got my best conversation so far. As soon as I got in, the driver asked if I was a musician (I was especially unkempt today, in a way that may have been perceived as “rock-like”). The driver who had a very strong Buena Vista Social Club vibe. Who plays guitar and bass. Who was recording in the studio just the other day. So we chatted all the way home. About 4 vs 5 vs 6 string (apparently I am missing the boat with my little 4-string, as it’s all about the 5 these days). About the role of bass in a band. About ‘catching’. About humming a bassline to get the “genuine” one. And so on. And occassionally, when he was imparting something really important, he would turn all the way around (at red lights) and make sure I was onside. “You have to hum it to really feel the good bassline, not just play the obvious notes, you know what I mean?”

Even though I am a total music noob, at some point I made a comment about the difference between a guitar player who plays bass, and a true bassist. I was rewarded with a deep, knowing nod and a solemn “yeah man, yeah”.

Yeah.

Me and the 4-month olds.

My good friend the SeaBird had a baby a few months back. Roughly four months back.  So now she and Mr. SeaBird are proud parents of their own mini-human.

And I am an occasional babysitter. It is so much fun to be around a little one that you have known from before its start. I met SeaBird Jr when he was just an idea. So now that he’s filled out into a real little person, he’s just that much more interesting.

Especially if I’m babysitting in the morning.  Lately I’ve been taking the early afternoon shift.  Otherwise known as my “Napping with My Eyes Open Time”.  I don’t usually actually sleep during this time, but I do usually arrange to do not-much-of-anything brain dependent from about 2-4pm.  Household chores, grocery shopping, errands.  Things that don’t require alertness.

So if I’m babysitting during this time slot, it usually means I’m inclined to go “ooooh lookit how cute you are.  Now go to sleep.”  Which is fine, because it’s his nap time too.  But he’s not /happy/ about it like I would be.  And unfortunately all the tactics you use to lull a baby into dopeyness seem to still work marvelously on me.  So he’s still awake, and I just want to crawl under his fluffy blankie and watch the mobile go around and around and around and… *yawn*

But yesterday I was on the morning shift.  Turns out I am waaaay better with babies first thing in the morning and just off a coffee.  Especially since he’s a morning baby too.  So instead of arguing with each other about who is going to nap when, we were like “hey it’s you!”.  We played all morning.  We played SpaceBaby and VibratingBaby, and WorkoutBaby, and ReversePeekABooBaby.  And then I fed him and he fell asleep mid-suckle, and was just going down for a nap when mom came home.  Perfection.  Snap.  Babysitter stripe for me.

The Shangri-La that isn’t.

I am easily distracted by fine print.

In amongst our junk mail (do “No Junk Mail Please” signs work at all anymore?), was a flyer for “Living Shangri-La Toronto”.

The back of the flyer looked like a promotion for a ROM exhibit, which caught my eye, and led me to pull it out from the stack of cheap newsprint advertising $0.99 produce.

A quick look showed that it is advertising yet another one of the ‘luxury residences on the floors above a luxury hotel’ buildings that are popping up all over Toronto.

But instead of being captivated by the majestic shiny lifestyle the material is depicting, I can’t stop reading the fine print.

Like, for instance, the disclaimer beneath the floorplans:

“Renderings photos and sketches are representational and are not accurate.”

Are not accurate. Well that’s not exactly helpful then is it? “Honey! You know how we’re in the market for a luxury condo? Well you absolutely must come look at these inaccurate model suites!”*

For a $2.3 million “Private Estate”, as Living Shangri-La Toronto describes them, I’m looking for accuracy.

I was also distracted by the fine print on the “ROM Exhibit rip-off” back page. Which explains in some detail that “Living Shangri-La Toronto” is in no way affiliated with the “Shangri-La Hotels and Resorts”. Which is very interesting. Because Shangri-La hotels are ubiquitous, and with excellent reputation, as *the* luxury hotel chain throughout Asia-Pacific. So anyone who has been to Asia-Pacific, such as, for instance, international moneyed businesspeople in the market for a high-end luxury condo, are sure to associate this Shangri-La building, with all those other Shangri-La buildings. And those people would be mistaken. Shangri-La? More like… um… Fauxgri-La? (<-lame)

🙂

*people who buy “Private Estates” always use “must” as their modal verb.

“Let’s go get some fuckin’ artisanal cheese.”

There was no cussing in my childhood home.  (There were also no sweets, no Skippy and no white bread, but that’s a separate story).

I don’t remember it being an explicit rule, the swears just… weren’t there.  We didn’t do it.  You weren’t supposed to do it and you knew it in your bones.  The only person I remember enforcing “language laws” was Nanna, but I think it just wouldn’t have occured to us to swear in front of our parents (or even away from them).

I don’t know when that system broke down for me.  Probably in my mid-teens.  And I’ve never looked back.

Ready for a little reverse diatribe?

I don’t like people who don’t swear.  I think it’s contrived.  I think they’re missing out on the full texture of language.  I think they’re missing out on the full range of their emotions.  I think they’re letting certain words become taboo in their brain.  And, by extension, letting certain harmless and healthy ideas, actions, and objects become taboo.  And we’re already far too overzealous in tabooifying.

CBC’s And Sometimes Y recently put together two shows on this subject: on taboo words; and on the n-word.  They are well-thought out and timely discussions — especially in dealing with the recurring and present question of how and whether words with a negative connotation can be reappropriated.

My personal take on word reappropriation is that we can’t or shouldn’t do it in cases where the word was specifically invented to be derogatory towards a particular group of people — the n-word being a perfect example of this (<-how much do I wish I had a different way of referring to these words, than by the 1950s schoolteacher “the x-word” formulae).

So while my list of off-limits words is teeny tiny, I am not suggesting that we should start submitting reports at work entitled “The Fucking TPS Report” (<-okay, maybe for TPS reports…).  And I think that people who swear /at/ other people leave a great deal to be desired. But there are times of frustration or elation or description where laying on a little colourful language really captures the moment.  And I don’t think those moments need be too extreme.  There is something about calling something “fuckin’ great” that is just… accurate.  (And certainly not untrue to the etymology of the word.)

Right, so.  All that said, while “fuck” is certainly an active participant in my vocabulary, there are some places where I will curb its usage.  The obvious places of course.  But, somewhat surprisingly, I learned this week that those places include farmers’ market.  Where the aggressive k’s of the expletive rub up against the happy family farm atmosphere.  After sampling a scrumptious zatar-flavoured flatbread, I turned to my friend and said “that is fuckin’ delicious”.And then I said “I don’t think you can say ‘fuck’ at a farmers’ market”.  And I think I was right.