Just a quick installment this time, since I have a work deadline that’s not going anywhere (stupid lazy deadline, why won’t you move?!).
15. Dramabush (that sounds a lot dirtier than I mean it to)
A dramabush is drama + ambush. It’s when you take a completely mundane moment, and respond with over-the-top melodrama action.
Example: We’re folding socks.
Me: *humming
Him: “What are you humming baby?”
Me: “Oh, I don’t know… nothing. Is it bothering you?”
Him: “No of course not…”
Me: “Well if it is, WHY DON’T YOU JUST IGNORE ME?! THAT SHOULD COME NATURALLY ENOUGH TO YOU!!”*
(* It’s best to round this out with some sobbing and running from the room.)
Counter-attack: He usually just waits quietly for me to come back, when my return is greeted with an “idiot” and grin + headshake.
16. “Don’t say it!”
The husband is… persistent. If it’s something he’s noticed, something he wants to say, something he wants to do. Persistent. Known in some circles as “stubborn”. Sometimes (read: often) I know exactly what he’s going to say. After 10 years, you can see through someone else’s eyes pretty accurately. You have only to follow their gaze, and you know, with absolute certainty, what’s going on in their little brain.
Like say, if you see them notice you’ve left your bag on the dining room table (again). Or that the pots and pans aren’t washed yet. Or that the letter hasn’t been mailed. You can feel the heat of their gaze and read the thought bubble that goes with it.
The thing is, I know. I know. I know the letter needs to be mailed. I know my bag doesn’t belong there. I know that it’s my turn to wash the pots. I. know. And having grown up in a family that turned nagging into a bleeding art form, I can’t bear to be reminded.
But the husband is, as mentioned, persistent. If he notices, he wants, nay, he needs, to get it out. He has noticed, and he must speak.
And I must stop him.
Sometimes it is sufficient for me to just lock eyes with him and say “I know”. But sometimes that’s not enough for him. So as I see his mouth begin to form the words, I chase it with another “I know”. And as the words start to come out, as I increase the volume on a third “I know” and add in a “don’t say it!”. And if he insists on “reminding” me of something we both know I know, it is possible that we end up in an impromptu grapple — as I try desperately to keep my hands over his mouth, and as he tries to get the words “bag” and “belongs” and “in your office” out of it.
Counter-attack: He licks my palms. Bleargh.
Counter-counter-attack: I wipe my palms off on him. Touche.
17. Suffokissing
It starts off as a nice affectionate kiss. Then whatcha do is sort of press into it. Maybe get a hand hold. As you press in, start talking. With your mouth closed. As if you’re really trying to tell the other person something, but you can’t, because they’re kissing you. You can ramp up the tone of your incoherent mumbling into sounding either irritated or insistent. If only he would stop kissing you so you could say this very important thing! Maintain liplock for full effect, especially if he tries to pull away.
Counter-attack: I believe he once got free by slipping me the tongue. Wiley bastard.