Y’know, we know you get to know how your spouse likes their coffee. But most people have preferences for how they prefer most of their foods, most of the time. Valuable memory space in my head is currently allocated to lyrics of shit 80s music, and how my husband likes his tortillas folded (tucked in at the bottom and holdable in one hand).
11 years in, and the only thing I know is that I don’t know all of his food quirks. I mean, I’m good but I’m not perfect.
A few of the ones I do know:
* Granola (and most other cereals): Milk just barely cresting the lowest point on the cereal. NOT TOO MUCH MILK. Where how much milk I like == too much milk. Err on too little.
* Coffee: Americanos black. Drip coffee sometimes with a bit of milk. Err on too little milk.
* All baked goods: With raisins. Err on too many raisins. There are never too many raisins. Fact: All boys everywhere fucking love raisins.
* Scones: Buttered. Freshly out of the oven? Made with 2 lbs of butter? Fuckit. It still needs moar butter.
* Pancakes: Special ingredients facing down. If there are bananas/blueberries/chocolate chips present in the pancakes, they should be kissing the plate. Or They Are Wrong.
* Broccoli: Absent. (Unless in dish of General Tso Chicken.)
* Eggs: Yolk firm but not hard, soft but not runny. Will both make relentless fun of me for ordering eggs scrambled (“kiddie eggs!”) and occasionally have them that way himself.
* SC Festive Special: Substitute white meat, fries, whole wheat roll (to be healthy). Lindor priority ranking changes year to year. Hazards: Will steal my dipping sauce.
* “I want something dry”: This translates into either instant oatmeal (IN WHAT WAY IS THAT DRY) or a blueberry waffle or … or… I don’t know, chili. Cravings for “something dry” usually appear approximately 3-4 hours after dinner and 4-5 minutes before videogames.
…
What I still don’t quiiiiite have down? When it is time for the forks he thinks are “stabby” versus the forks he thinks are “scoopy”. I cannot for the life of me get this “right”. So 1 in 3 meals start with him quietly standing up and swapping out a utensil. The echoing clank of metal on metal as a fork is returned to the drawer is the sound of a marriage failing and he will eventually leave me to marry another and she will always know the right fork and will bear him many fat children that they’ll cram into a “mini” SUV and drive to Kindermusik while I ride off on my motorcycle and console myself in a vagrant wandering forkless life filled with endless nights of meaningless sex with attractive strangers and… wait.
The Stabby Scoopy Problem is not helped by that I consider the “scoopy” fork better for stabbing, and vice versa. And I think it’s that … fish is… scoopy if there’s rice and sauce… and…. pasta is stabby if it doesn’t have … a meat with it… unless it is… a… “chunky” pasta? Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…
“Juuungle life, I’m faar away from nowhere, on my ooooown like Taaarzan Booy…”
p.s. Post title answer: Orally, you perverts.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes us too about the fork-swapping! Also sometimes bowl-swapping, since I like everything in tiny rice bowls with salad forks and he likes to eat like a normal person.
I love this.
So far, all I know is that Julian needs coffee (and takes it with cream & sugar), prefers his eggs scrambled and is very grossed out by undercooked egg whites, sometimes craves asparagus, likes pears over apples (by a large margin), and will douse pretty much anything in hot sauce (unless it’s sweet).
I think you need a separate utensil space for “scoopy” vs “stabby” forks. We only have one kind (probably stabby?), and if either of us developed a utensil-preference, it would probably be me. Because I’m crazy like that.
We do have separate utensil space for scoopy v stabby. The problem is when I deploy the wrong one. 😉
We also have separate space for the different types of spoons. Ours is a complex utensil drawer.
And yes. I have also tried sporks. But those are just an extreme version of scoopy. So if he wanted stabby, you’re just more fucked.
… tiny rice bowls ftw 🙂