Category Archives: Funnies

So I put on EH’s dressing gown this morning (that your significant other’s dressing gown is more comfortable than your own is a known scientific fact.  Ipso, facto, BAM).

Went to take care of a couple of things online.

Felt my hair brush on my neck.  Which is a sensation I’m re-learning as my hair gets longer.  Moved my hair and looked for strays.  Felt it again.  And I was like, “that’s weird, I guess a strand of hair fell into my robe…

… and then ran across my chest, and into my armpit, and… SPIDER!!!”

I’m so impressed with how fast I got both the robe and spider off.  One move, 1.5 seconds.  If there was such a thing as speed stripping, I would have the platinum deluxe medal (though I think being super speedy is actually the opposite of what good strippers do).

I made a girly yelping noise and jumped into the hallway (all part of that first robe-off move thank you very much), where I ran into EH, who poked his head around the corner just in time to see a large spider scuttling under my desk.  Where we lost sight of it.

EH headed off to work, and I sat down to fire off some quick emails.

When I saw a mo-fo spider running across the wall at eye level.

“Stay right there you mo-fo spider!” I shouted.  Because when you shout at them they stay still.  True story.

Got me a shoe.  And got me some vengeance.  I killed him so thoroughly I had to wash the wall afterwards.

I’m reminded of when I was a little kid, and our neighbour was sweeping out his garage.  He asked me to hold the dustpan for him, and I have an incredibly vivid memory of him sweeping towards me, with a big spider running in front of his broom.  Straight at me.

It ran up my arm, into my shirt and onwards.  An adult got it off me and maybe killed it.  But what I remember is shaking for hours afterwards.  Just so creeped out.

And that’s how you know you’ve got a wealth of life experience under your belt.  When there are fewer and fewer categories of things that haven’t happened to you yet.

“Oh, a big spider running down my shirt.  Alright well, what you want to do in this situation is…”

I could teach a class — a very specific class.  Week 1: Spiders down your top?  Week 2: White deodorant streaks on your shirt?  Week 3: Sprayed yourself with dish soap on your way out the door?

I think enrollment would be high.

Announcement: “This bus will be continuing north after the station.”

Little boy, to his mom: “Does it get colder?”

Mom: “Colder where?”

Little boy: “Colder when the bus goes north?”

Mom: “…No, you have to go much further before it gets colder.”

Little boy thinks.

Little boy: “Does it get warmer if we go south?”