Overheard, walking behind tiny little girl in pink skirt, skipping down the street, talking to her mom:
“Everybody has to share the car, but I’m not going to share my car with anybody!”
Okay, maybe I’ll have one kid.
Trompe l’oeuf
So, after a couple of years off, this Easter I resurrected (
I give you… The Fondant Egg:
I may have been chucked into adulthood with no idea how to cook a chicken breast, and an echoing chasm in my brain where “quick and easy” dinner recipes belong. But anything sugar-based? I have that shit down cold. You show me a greeting card-worthy day, and I will show you a recipe that combines at least three forms of sweetener.
These fondant eggs are not for the faint of heart, or diabetic. Or… Look. Human beings were really never meant to eat these. But on this, the holiest of zombie weekends, does it not make sense to celebrate by pushing the boundaries of our physical constitution? Can we not, nay, should we not mark Zombie Jesus Day with sugar mixed with sugar, wrapped in sugar, dipped in chocolate? Yes. Yes we should.
If you haven’t asked me to set one of these aside for you, and you want to know what it feels like to eat one, I have made this Highly Scientific Graph(TM) which should explain everything:
Some people would say that the trick is to eat the “egg” in a single bite. Those people would not be wrong.
In summary, don’t forget to put carrots out for the Easter Bunny or he won’t leave you any crucified chickens!
…
I may be fuzzy on how this holiday works.
Happy Thursday!
Funnily enough, I actually don’t have too much time on my hands.
Marketable Skills. (updated)
So at this point you’re probably thinking to yourself “Hey, Chayday, if I was married to you, what sort of text messages could I expect to interrupt my otherwise highly productive day?”
Well, gentle reader, I shall tell you.
Sometimes I like my text messages to be:
a) multi-part, and
b) themed.
Take, for instance, my recent decision to make up and send HORRIBLE jokes to my husband.
These are especially excellent if you know that before The Husband, I was not huge on bodily function humour. (Which explains his response to Joke the First.)
Ahem.
Yesterday, 3:50pm:
Me: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Him: “I dunno.”
Me: “Because he farted. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Him: “What have you done with my wife?”
Yesterday, 5:05pm.
Me: “Knock knock.”
(Weirdly, he didn’t reply to this, so I had to save it for today.)
Today, 2:51pm.
Me: “Knock knock.”
Him: “Who goes there?”
Me: “The chicken. He went outside to fart and forgot his keys.”
Me: “Can you believe I JUST came up with that?!”
Him: “Pure comedy gold.”
Agreed.
ETA:
Wednesday, 5:03pm.
Me: “Why did the chicken light a match?”
(long delay)
Me: “I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.”
Him: “Why?”
Me: “Because the power went out and he couldn’t see his Sudoku.”
Tuh-wist!!
We hint you prefer not to explode
While I’m taking a course in motorcycle maintenance in April (let’s pause here for a round of “fuck YEAH!”), since April insists on coming after February, that leaves me “winterizing” my bike now like a big ignorant February-era slob.
Yeah. I know. That’s why I put the quotes there. In my defense, first I was cheap, then I was undecided, and then the store screwed up my order of winterizing schtuff. (I choose to blame the last bit.)
My “winterizing” is going to consist of throwing some fuel stabilizer in the tank (if that fuel isn’t already borked), then removing the battery from the bike and hooking it up to a battery tender. I may spray some WD40 in the tailpipe if I’m feeling cuh-razy.
I have seen the battery before, but I have never removed it before. I have actually seen the battery many times, from when I kept taking the seat off to gawk (seat goes on, seat comes off, seat goes on, seat comes off…).
I’m going to go ahead and not pretend I know more than I know. Because when you pretend you know more than you know? That’s WHEN BATTERIES EXPLODE. How do I know that’s when batteries EXPLODE? Because in reading up on how to do this, it is quite clear that batteries EXPLODE. Why are you being careful? Why are you hooking it up in the right order? Why are you connecting an (over)insulated battery extension cable to the negative battery post and not directly to the battery? SO THAT NOTHING EXPLODES*.
Back when I was 16, fresh off my Young Driver’s course, and the principle (um, I mean occasional, I LOVE U INSURANCE GUYZ!) driver of my mom’s circa Cold War Toyota Corolla, one of my favourite things to do was jumpstart the car. Which, given that the only “maintaining” the car got from me was a regularly refilled wiper fluid tank (but maaaan, was that bad boy filled), I got to jumpstart the car all the time. I would regularly stop and offer expert jumpstarting roadside assistance to pulled over cars with their hoods up. You’re welcome stranded motorists of my past.
But then I started driving more reliable cars. And started having to consult the owner’s manual to remember the proper sequence for a jumpstart hookup (“salt is salty!”).
Which leads us to today, when I’ve forgotten everything I ever knew about batteries, yet I refuse to let my Honey Badger sit one second longer un-tended to, now that I have my battery tender (okay, and I also bought a sticker for it because that is what owning a vehicle is about).
And when you’ve forgotten everything you knew, and everything you knew wasn’t enough anyways, you read.
And here I would like to submit for consideration that when potential consequences (however remote) involve the word EXPLODE, one should go ahead and spring for a proper translation of one’s manual. In connecting and disconnecting a battery, sequence counts. So allow me to share in stages how my manual suggests I disconnect the battery:
“Disassemble the front seat, disassemble the (+) positive battery wire…”
(wait for it)
“…after the (-) battery wire. Remove the battery.”
Wow.
But if you’re really not sure what to do with your battery? You can go straight to the manual’s battery warnings to find out how to keep safe. Ahem:
“Keep after separate at the motorcycle for the minimum of self electric discharge and electric leakage when don’t use for a long time.”
Go on. Tell me that’s not sort of beautiful.
I’m sure it’ll be fine. But you might want to stand over there a bit… Little further…
* Wanna know why it could explode? Apparently a bit of hydrogen gas can collect around the vents of lead batteries (even sealed ones). So when they suggest you use an extension cord to connect to the tender, it’s a precaution against you disconnecting it incorrectly, and causing a spark near the battery. At least with the extension cord, your spark will be far away from the battery. Because spark + hydrogen == EXPLODE! The more you know.
Sometimes life gives you a snakeskin thong.
Y’know how sometimes you like a band’s music, and you’re like “hey, I want a tshirt!”, and then you go looking for tshirt in their official shop, because you don’t want to screw them with a knockoff, and then you get there, and it’s all “we don’t really do tshirts for girls (except for this one tremendously fugly one), would you like an ill-fitting snakeskin thong made of plastic instead?”
Yeah.
The accompanying text:
“This snakesking[sic] thong will make every woman’s wardrobe complete. If your man is a Rush fan, this thong will make his wildest fantasies come true. Well actually, that part is up to you, but at least you will look the part.”
Women’s Apparel options: 3 thongs, 1 tank, 1 tshirt
Sooo… you know that thing about how all Rush fans are guys?
Not helping your case fellas, not helping.
The reason I would suck in customer relations is people like me
Note: This guy is the shiniest, most suit-wearing, conscientious, friendly, customer-experience-oriented employee, like, EVER. He’s adorable. You want to put him in your pocket. And give him a raise.
I pre-paid for 1/2 tank of gas with car rental. Returning it with 1/4 tank:
Me: “I tried really hard to use it up. I was idling, driving over penguins…”
Him: “…how does driving over penguins help?”
Me: “More environmentally destructive?”
Him: “Ah.”
(does inspection)
Him: “Well, looks good… no penguin blood.”
Me: “It rained.”
…later…
Him: “Y’know, there’s not a lot of people you can make penguin blood jokes with.”
…later still…
Him: “And how was everything, how was the service? Was there anything I could have done better?”
Me: “Oh no. Though… joking about penguin blood. That’s just off-colour. I mean really.”
—
ETA: Then he offered me an umbrella for the walk home. Buddy is unflappable. Like a dead penguin. GET IT! Thank you! I’ll be here all week!
A new colour
“…it’s hard to remember exactly what I was waiting for. Although I do know that it was something wholly unfamiliar and thrilling. Like a new colour, one I’d never seen before. Not a mixture: no trace of blue or yellow or red. What would that look like? Even though our physical world makes the existence of such a thing basically impossible, I’d still really like to see that.”
~ David Rakoff, in TAL’s Promised Land episode and his book “Don’t Get Too Comfortable“
Amazon would like to wire your circuit.
In what way is this “electronics”?
NB: And the search term was “hat” (All Departments).
Rhymes with “Blow Flake”
That’s right kittens, IT’S SNOW CAKE TIME!
Thanks to BR for the sprinklespiration.
p.s. Jerry, you can stop sending me photos of snow now. Ktks. 🙂