Category Archives: The Ef

Continuing from Part I…

9. Ending “I love you too” with a lame smackdown.
i.e.: “I love you too… so take that!” or “How do you like them apples?”

Counter-attack: “I love ’em!” also “Snap!” also “These apples?”+*boobgrab*

10. Making deeply sarcastic housekeeping requests.
“Hey sugar? Before we go out, could you please dump your soggy towel on the bed? Sorry to nag, I just really want to make sure that’s done before we leave for the day. If it’s not soaking your showerjuice into our expensive mattress, I don’t feel good about leaving. Thanks baby.”

Counter-attack: “Oh, you’re hil-a-ri-ous.”

11. Persistent convincing.
Me: “Do you want to go get a coffee?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Now, hear me out… I haven’t had a coffee yet today and…”
Him: “I said sure.”
Me: “I know that you don’t really want to, but I’d really appreciate it if we could take a few minutes and…”
Him: “You’re evil.”

Counter-attack: Employ the exact same tactic in reverse.
Me: “Do you want to go get a coffee?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Now, hear me out… I haven’t had a coffee yet today and…”
Him: “Listen, we really should go — I could use a break.”
Me: “I know that you hate coffee, but I’d really appreciate it if we could take a few minutes and…”
Him: “I don’t want to put you out, but it’ll only take 5 minutes to get there and back. Tops.”

12. Making “mi mi” noises (when I’m being told what to do).
Example:
Me (getting ready for bed): “I’m pretty sure I brushed my teeth already, but I can’t remember exactly. I hate that.”
Him: “Well you can just brush them again. It’s not like it’ll be bad for you to brush them again…
Me: “Mi mi mi mi mi, meh mi mi mi mi. Meh mi.” *pause*
Him: “…though it would be bad to have not brushed them at all.”
Me: “Mi mi mi mi mi, mi mi.”

Counter-attack: “…you’re quite the catch.”

13. Pancake-ing.
“Pancake-ing” is when you lie flat on top of your partner, or vice versa. It’s not really about being amorous, it’s just about … pancaking. It’s a hug for when you’re still in bed and don’t feel like getting up yet. Usually it’s reserved for when one person is eeking out a few more minutes in bed while the other has a shower.

When the freshly cleaned person returns to the bedroom to get dressed, the grungy sleeper-inner demands pancakes. It goes a little something like this:

Bed-person: “pancakes!”

Clean-person: “I’ve really got to get dressed and get going honey…”

Bed-person: “pancakes! Pancakes! pan-CAKES! PANCAKES! PANCAKES!!”

Clean-person: “ALRIGHT FINE!” *launch full body at bed*

Counter-attack: Not ending the pancake time. Sort of a “but I thought this was what you wanted so how could you be mad?” strategy. Clever.

14. Applying a Reverse Koala Take-Down.
A Reverse Koala Take-Down is what happens when you resist pancakes. Cuz they’re gonna happen. So you can do them the easy way, or the hard way. This is the hard way.

The person seeking Pancakes (Pancakee) blocks the other person’s exit, then locks their leg behind the Pancaker’s knees. The Pancakee then applies pressure to the back of the Pancaker’s knees while simultaneously pivoting so that they are between the Pancaker and the mattress, wrapping their arms around the Pancaker’s upper body while dropping backwards onto the bed.

Pancakes. Check.

Counter-attack: Even though we’re almost exactly the same weight, the little bugger has very resilient knees, and it can be difficult to drop him if he’s resisting. Sometimes I really have to heave to take him down. But it’s totally worth it.

Probably to be continued (again)…

I ‘ate telemarketers.

We’re on the list, we have the stickers, we’ve got the call display.  Short of getting one of those gizmojiggities that automatically disconnect the calls, we’ve pretty much done all we can do.

But every once in a while, you still get a call from “Mkt Probe Canada” and you know, you know you don’t want to take it.

But then they call back.  And call back again.  And call back again.  A few times an evening, for many (many) evenings in a row.  And I say boo.

And eventually I answer.

MKT PROBE:  “Hello, is {husband’s name} there please?”

Me:  “Who is calling please?”

MKT PROBE:  “I’m calling regarding a customer satisfaction survey.”

Me:  “I see, and which company is this with?”

MKT PROBE: “{stammer} Due to {stammer} confidentiality, I cannot reveal that to anyone but {husband’s name}”.

Me: “Ah, well this is HIS WIFE and he won’t be participating in the survey.  Good night.”  {click}

In a household that is almost wholly phone-averse, I am still the one more likely to answer.  Which means it is often me fielding the random calls.  For the many years when we were together but sans labels, I used to trip up in trying to shake them off the line (like so many coke monkeys).  “This is his… partner” just doesn’t have the same BAMness to it.  You could try lying, but as professional liars themselves, they have finely honed detectors, and just push harder.

But “wife”?  Wife has definitiveness.  Wife is the steel-toed boot of phone calls.  You want him, you’re going through me.  All those nasty associations with ‘wife’ have to come in handy sometime.  And apparently that sometime is with telemarketing.

MKT PROBE: “Oop, we’ve got an angry curlers-wearing slipper-totin’ wife* on line 3, abort! abort!”

I do not wish to participate in your customer satisfaction survey, and I hereby tick off the box where I agree to risk the dire, irreversible repercussions this will have on the good service you so desperately want to provide me.

I may be the market, but I reserve the right not to be probed.

* While I do not wear curlers, I have toted some fierce slippers in my day.